


Loving Sisyphus

by coyotecorpse



Series: Loving You (haikyuu series) [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Childhood Friends, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Kenma has anxiety, Kuroo is patient, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26230738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coyotecorpse/pseuds/coyotecorpse
Summary: On a lazy Sunday morning, Kenma begins to question why Kuroo loves him in the first place, why the man even tries to put up with him.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: Loving You (haikyuu series) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1905142
Comments: 2
Kudos: 168





	Loving Sisyphus

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: anxiety attacks, self harm, derogatory language towards mentally ill people (kenma calls himself a freak)

Kenma stretches in the sunlight streaming through his window like a basking cat, limbs pushing outward, and his eyes squeezed shut. The morning is slow, but Kenma, ever so stubborn, wills himself to be slower. His movements are like molasses, muscles moving lazily. He’s in no rush, never really is. It’s the weekend which means he has no reason to even get out of bed. He has snacks stashed away and plenty of half-full water bottles laying around. He could survive in his room for weeks if he wanted to. He doubts that Kuroo would let him, though.

Kuroo. He would be coming over today. They hadn’t discussed it, but he always visits on weekends. They never do much, Kenma’s disposition won’t allow it. They just laze around and play video games. Some days Kenma worries that he’s boring Kuroo, more days than he’d like to admit. Kuroo always reassures him that he’s not boring, that he’s enough. They don’t say the words. Kenma couldn’t handle it if they did, but Kuroo makes it work. Kenma wishes things were easier.

Kuroo walks into the room like he owns it. Kenma doesn’t mind; it’s his place as much as it’s Kenma’s. Their room. They’ve shared it for so long, sleeping in the same bed, playing video games on the same console. Kuroo’s been in here just as much as he’s been in his own room.

They don’t speak right away. It’s too early for words. Kuroo just plops down onto the bed and reclines, taking up as much space as possible. Kenma falls back with him, tucked between Kuroo’s arm and chest. They don’t always touch -Kenma refuses to call it cuddling-. Some days Kenma can’t stand the feeling of skin on skin; those are the bad days. He doesn’t have bad days often. Well, that’s not quite true. He has bad days all the time just at varying levels. Some bad days mean no touching, sometimes no talking, and sometimes (the worst of all) mean no Kuroo. He’s only had two of those terrible No-Kuroo days since they met all those years ago. Both times were catastrophic.

Kenma pulls out his switch and settles on a simple repetitive game. Kuroo watches contentedly. It isn’t really a bad day. No really. Kenma is sure talking would be fine and Kuroo’s touch is a welcome comfort. He just feels off, a little skewed from his day-to-day emotions. The whole mood feels like it’s a little to the left, not quite right.

He feels a little empty like a hollow tree trunk. It’s not a new feeling but it throws him off. His anxiety often makes him feel dull, but this is strange. He was doing fine moments ago. Why did it change when Kuroo walked in? The hollowness deepens as he thinks about the other man

His chest feels like a fragile shell, a glass case for his pathetic heart. He wonders if Kuroo wants more if he’s tired of the same thing over and over. Kuroo loves Bokuto. Bokuto is spontaneous and loud. Bo keeps Kuroo on his toes, is ever-changing. Kenma is the exact opposite. Kenma can’t keep up. Kenma never changes. If Bokuto is a free-flying owl, Kenma is a tree, rooted to the ground unable to move. Kuroo must resent him at least a little for never wanting to do anything, for insisting they stay inside and do the same things over and over. The chasm in his chest splits open, becoming deeper than ever before. Kuroo must hate him some days. Kenma can’t blame him if he did. He knows what hating him felt like, it’s easy. Kenma is easy to hate.

“Kitten, you’ve been on the restart screen for a while now. You alright?”

Kitten. Kenma isn’t sure where the pet name came from, or more so when it started. It makes his brain short circuit most days but today it just reminds him of what he and Kuroo could be if he was different, if he were more.

“I’m fine,” His voice sounds weak even to his own ears. “Just don’t want to play games right now.”

The statement clearly makes Kuroo worry. Kenma always wants to play games. The kid would skip all his meals to play on his switch if Kuroo would allow it. Kuroo sits up, pulling Kenma up with him. He taps twice on Kenma’s thigh, a question. They’d made the code a long time ago, the first time a no-talk day merged with a good-touch day. It’s meaning is simple. ‘Is this okay?’ Kenma nods. It’s all the answer Kuroo needs before tugging Kenma into his lap.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Kenma buries his face in Kuroo’s shoulder, hiding from the world. He shakes his head quickly. He never wants to talk about his feelings. Kuroo must be so tired of guessing. Kenma knows he would be.

Kuroo just holds him closer, rocking back and forth slowly. Kenma wants to cry. He feels terrible. He wishes loving Kuroo didn’t make him feel so bad like he’s digging his own grave. He can’t help it. Kuroo deserves so much better, deserves someone like Tsukishima who could match his passion for volleyball or someone like Daichi who doesn’t lose his mind when touched the wrong way. Kuroo deserves something normal,  _ someone  _ normal.

Kenma can’t do this anymore, can’t hold Kuroo down for any longer. He places his hands on Kuroo’s chest and pushes much like a cat when they no longer wish to be held. Kuroo immediately releases the small boy, worried that a good-touch day has become a no-touch day. “Kitten, what’s up? You can tell me anything, you know that.”

Kenma tumbles off the bed and desperately tries to wipe the tears from his eyes. “Shut up! Please just shut up!” His voice is clipped, squeaky from the strain of crying.

Kuroo, with a patience Kenma doesn’t deserve, approaches him silently. He keeps his hand out in a calming motion, an attempt to keep the other boy from falling deeper into panic. Kenma smacks the hand away. He can’t do this anymore. He’s ruining everything. He always ruins everything. His chest clinches with guilt like he just robbed a liquor store. He hates himself for this. He’s hurting Kuroo. All he wants to do is make Kuroo happy, but he can’t do that. He isn’t enough. He’ll never be enough.

Kuroo retracts his hand, hurt welling up in his eyes. “Kenma, please, what did I do? How can I make this better?”

Kenma nearly snaps. He hurt Kuroo. Oh god, oh no. He collapses, flopping down on the floor. He pulls his knees to his chest. He’s such a fucking freak. What kind of idiot acts like this? He hates this. He hates himself. He starts scratching at his arms, desperate to hurt himself how he’s been hurting Kuroo. He needs to be punished, needs to repent for the sin of dragging Kuroo down for so long. Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why did his love have to be so  _ heavy _ ? Why is he so  _ heavy _ ?

“You c-can’t fix this, Kuro!” His voice is choked and uneven. “I’m just gonna w-w-weigh you down! I...I’m not e-enough.”

“Kitten-”

“I’M NOT YOUR KITTEN!” He doesn’t mean to shout but his voice echoes through the room anyway. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen. It was supposed to be a lazy Sunday. He ruins everything he touches.

“Kenma, you are enough. You’ve always been enough. What made you think otherwise?”

Kenma looks up at the other man, noticing how he’d also sat down on the floor. “I-I just...I do the same thing every day. We never go out. You’ve got to be tired of me by now. I’m mean. I don’t show enough affection… My...My love is so h-heavy. It just weighs you down. You could do so much better.”

“What if I don’t want better?”

It shocks Kenma enough that the tears halt for a moment. “Huh?”

“You said I could do better. Maybe that’s true. I could probably find someone more affectionate or someone who likes to go out. But I don’t want that. Kenma, Kitten, I just want you.”

Kenma doesn’t know what to say. He makes grabby hands towards Kuroo who gets the message and pulls the smaller boy back into his lap. “If your love is heavy, I’ll just work out more so I can carry it.”

Kenma snorts into his shoulder, drying his tears on the soft fabric of his shirt. “You’re so cheesy.”

Kuroo runs his fingers through the other boy’s hair, smiling softly. “Only for you, Kitten, for as long as you’ll have me.”

Kenma presses a soft kiss to Kuroo’s collarbone and smiles. “For every lazy Sunday from now ‘til the day I die.”

“Sounds like a deal.”


End file.
